Eric Li's Nightmare Life Story
by TheNextGenerationMusician
Summary: My life story- how I became the successful person I am now


My Horrid Story:

_(Written on Christmas break 2013)_

INTRODUCTION/PROLOGUE

Hi I am Eric (Emily) Li. I was born on October 27th, 1998. I am a musician, piano prodigy, dancer and singer. But the big thing that makes me different from everyone else: I am also a bi gay and Trans. I've also went through such a crazy life you probably would have no idea how bad the struggle was. Seriously. Though people thought I was joking, causing attention or lying. I'm not, really. I only say this now and not when I was supposed to start talking (to get help), because I am able to now (long story). But now I can get help so why not, once you know this story, you'll get it too. And I've told a couple this stories already, they are just lost for words and helpless. So here I am hoping maybe when someone sees this story, though if they did, I probably would be dead by then. See, I've lost all hope for improvements. And this is my sad, horrid, living-nightmare story. Hopefully even though saving and helping me is too late, you can help others with a similar situation after hearing my story.

For my entire life I was judged; discriminated; life & death threatened; bullied in all the ways there are in existence; abused in so many ways; hated; mocked at; mistreated; helpless; alienated; hurt; discouraged; misunderstood; heartbroken; betrayed; peer pressured; and so many other things (which for some, I don't know how to explain). This got me feeling helpless; depressed; low esteemed; afraid; self-conscience; lost care for myself; worthless; hurt; isolated; mad; feeling like I'm a waste of space; hatred; mistrust; many thoughts of suicide and eagerness to try killing myself. There is so much more to this but I don't know any words to explain it. And this is what I've been facing from the moment I was born actually. I hate life. I'm jealous of those around me because they get to live a happier life. They don't suffer what I had to go through (Hmm... No wonder no one gets me). Thy understood me like how they understood shellshock for the first time. It's so frustrating, that's why I decided to give up hope because I'm hopeless in my situation- it's too severe...

THE BEGINNING…

When I was born, I was disabled mentally and physically. I was partially deaf; had a dislocated hip bone; and so on. What makes situation worse? Well let's say my parents enjoy comparing me with my 8 years older brother. So my brother who was the perfect child, with so much more maturity; versus me who was just a whiny baby with many disabilities. Then my parents, who had a relationship problem themselves, were arguing with each other all the time. Yep, that helps the situation so much more ha ok. Then well the tension, temper levels, and stress are already so high in the house. They decided to throw all their problems and anger at me- their main and easiest target. I get influenced easier as you see being a little 1 year old and stuff. I was an outlet to their anger. They told me this horrible lie, it was said to me so many times I remembered til this day: "You're a worthless kid and you're REAL parents threw you in our trash because you were too troublesome for them. We didn't know but now we realize it. We should've let you die in the trash." How pleasant. They repeated me that so many times- I'm a worthless piece of waste of space, over and over again. On top of that, I knew they were arguing all the times because I remember getting waken up by their screaming all the time back then. Yep. Had to face depression/ struggles, even as a little kid. I wanted to die.

EARLY CHILDHOOD…

Then at age 3, my mum was teaching my how to write and taught me discipline. That's when I faced discouragements and abuse for the first time. My mum kept saying I have writing uglier then boy writing. And she kept beating me up for everything. Then she blames me for making her hurt me. and I'm just like: I never told you to beat me up so how the hell is it my fault?! For that she beats me up even more. Then she says "no talking back, because you're a worthless piece of crap, and crap don't talk." All this was said in a Chinese dialect/language by the way. Oh and at that time, I found out I was a tomboy- the first insight of how I became a transgender today.

Then school started. My mum threatened me constantly to shut up. Not even to answer the teacher or any kids that talk to me. I have to pretend I'm unable to talk or something. My mum also decided to volunteer at the school- to watch and make sure I shut my mouth completely at school. Then people at school thought I was nuts because I wouldn't talk at all even when they talked to me- I would ignore them. People started to hate me for being too quiet. The teacher hated me to because I was so hard to understand. I lost my temper and control over emotions a lot. I hated everything including my mum who even hurt me at school in front of everyone. Also I never fit in anyways. I hate all girl stuff so the girls thought I was weird. The guys were being jokers; well they are just animals- I stuck to myself and alone. It was sad. Why does life have to be like this? So then I learnt to hate school ever since... and mom. I got discouraged, bullied and picked on all the time. My mum constantly abused me at home (and yelling at me school). I was never happy. I wanted to die.

CHILDHOOD CONTINUES…

I turned 5 years old. I started having nervous breakdown at school because of preventing myself to talk at the same time getting myself in trouble- having to explain myself. My ears got fixed. I started attending this English tutor to catch up with English. I started piano lessons. I wasn't so thrilled with the lessons, though happy my mum would have to leave me for a while. I still hated everything else though. Nothing else changed in Kindergarten.

In grade 1, everyone hated me still everything was pretty much the same, except- I got stabbed both eyes and thrown in the mud by some hunk kid. My mum abused me worse than ever, she ended up shoving a table at me- to choke me. I ended up scarred on my arm. I started hurting myself - giving self-punishments. My piano teacher saw the mark on my arm and I told her- my mum threatened me to shut up, which I didn't. She sad, shut up about everything and don't speak one word to anyone about anything, or else I'll beat you to death. Then, I told the teacher once that my mum was hurting me at home. For that, mum shoved the table at me. I lost control completely all the time with her ever since.

Grade 2, I got mocked and stuff for being a tomboy. I liked to hang out with guys and have fun. I need fun; I had no fun at home. I couldn't explain this back then. So one day, I lost it- I ended up collapsing during recess. I couldn't take it anymore with this school. The teacher thought i was mental so they sent me to see this crazy psychologist. He gave me pills which drove me nuts and couldn't swallow anyways. Then my dad forced me into taking them- I choked and almost got water poisoned. Great. So I decided to give up the medications, that doctor and the school. Maybe another school is better... WRONG.

**ERIC'S YEARS OF GROWING UP (Eric starts puberty)**

LIFE AT A PUBLIC SCHOOL

I went to another school- it started ok. Around mid-grade 3, people ended up making fun of me. Either for my abysmal clothes, for my weak intelligence (academically speaking), the fact about me having emotional difficulties/breakdowns a lot, or because of my rather round chubby face. I still was never understood. I hated everyone there. I was alone once again with no friends. Though, I learnt I was good at math and music. Though, no one cared. They still thought I was stupid and a waste of space. Oh well.

They called me names, got bullied, teased, spat on, and went through many other horrible things during the next 2 years. I hated that school just as much. I hated everything. I wanted to leave this school so badly. I wanted to die so badly. They even said to me "you have no friends. You have no life. You have no worth, so just get out!" Ok I'd be glad to. So I changed schools again in grade 6, everyone seemed glad of it too. I went back to my old school- there wasn't really much of a choice- the other schools were either just as bad or too far away. I know those schools- I'd rather face the first school. It's the best choice left.

After seeing this fellow student from my old school, who said that everyone is missing me and everything. So i kinda said sure I'll come back. See? I was gullible. So that was my mistake.

MIDDLE SCHOOL YEARS…

Gr 6, not what you'd call the ideal definition of a good year. But no major bad things happened that year. Didn't suffer as much besides being misunderstood.

BECOMING ERIC STAGE ONE…

Being a Trans got me in trouble. I just said I want to become a guy- then just started cross dressing… but people there said gays and transgenders are against the bible. They are like contagious diseases. So they avoided me and threw nonstop taunts at me and other things. I remember it'll so well. But there is so much... Anyways, this ended up almost killing me. I said "yeah I BY ACCIDENTALLY tipped off the fence" whatever. Wrong. Really it was a long procession- firstly; i was starving myself, hoping it'll kill me that way. Rather die than face life itself. Cracked it in class once too-said it was "cuz a relative was diagnosed with blood cancer". Screw it. No, it was cuz of the horrid life of gr 7 killing me so that blew it. Then yeah, I starved myself. Went kinda unconscious, then oh no, I didn't fall hard enough. Nor did i even land head first, but on my shoulder...why? X_X anyways, at least I get to stay home. Didn't have to see those bitches at school anymore. I had literally no one and I can't even speak still. I was literally shut in silence. Also that as my first attempt at suicide. Anyways, moving on.

**Changed Back …**

Grade 8-9; even though still not perfect, but at least i was happy-er.

Gr 8, met the best teacher, I learnt to talk better so I could say more. Finally the school councillor called me down and told me to tell her everything because she wanted to help me! Wow. It happened- i can finally get help ...and talk! Great. My teacher stopped the bullying afterwards; i learnt to enjoy life for once. Made a couple of friends too. Sweet. But i had to turn back (you know what i meant i hope) as a sacrifice to have this life.

Gr 9 might've gone a bit far this year. But hey- i never felt true happiness till that moment. It lasted 2 years-gr 8 and 9. Not long enough. I miss it already. Anyways, near the end, i decided to change again (and again ours should know what i meant there). I did cuz i saw a friend did and all went well so i thought: did they change that part of the bible? (Though i found out later is all just rubbish, made-up stuff).

I only acted the way I did that year because it was that that kept me from thinking too low and that stuff. And again, i wanted to enjoy life for once.

**Becoming Eric (stage two) - The Final Change**

Beginning of gr 10

Gr 10 came and oh no. It plunged again. This time all the way down. Went from ok to glum to sadder then horrid and almost died. Christmas break was the bottom level. I started having anxiety, then misery kicked in (well that was there before for a long time of course), afterwards really bad depression and so on. Till I ended up attempting suicide so many times. I was so eager- and I gave up everything that time. No piano, no school, friends don't care anyways so I ditched them too- all went down. And I was at the bottom of this bottomless bit. What stopped me was the fact dying was painful. No one understood me. No one cared. I was isolated from everyone even myself cuz I was just starting to understand myself- like starting to put together a jigsaw puzzle. But also anxiety and bipolar just came and smashed me down so bad then it dragged me below till I was suffocating so much internally, it's all explained up there. Anyways, I hated everything so much i was even hurting myself-eating disorder again. Plus I was afraid of people, school and life itself. Didn't go to school for a week and half. Cried every night. And brutally hurt myself so bad in so many ways. I was inches from death. I could've died on my attempts. One of them, my mum helped. Yep she HELPED. She's evil to the bone. I was so eager to die. I didn't care anymore. I was also shutting myself up again. Except writing garbage online- moaning and groaning; suffocating.

I thought I was a worthless git, I was a disgrace, despised, everything bad. So why get in the way? So that's basically why I thought that way. Then that happened. And no one seemed to care or anything. All alone and no one helped much really. One person did. But thought I was just going mad or something. Well I can't say everything (the reasons are all said in the poem). So yeah it was a really bad time. Also, let's say it's still going bad- so much bad things happening all at once. I'm hurting myself again. I don't care anymore about anything. I feel it's too late. I've lost every hope. I need help DESPERATELY.

The Truth…

PS. Sorry if I ever acted awkwardly, and like those time I had crushes and stuff on those people... Well it happens. And I needed love and care desperately- sometimes a bit too awkward. Sorry about that. Though, I was kinda raised like that and stuff. I promise to work on it and yeah. I gave up on this love life anyways. Cuz this happens all the time- Always the stupid drama and heartbreaking. It's not doing anything but hurting me so Nah. I give up on that.

Luckily (not really), now I am almost done this puzzle. I understand it. The pressure, the horrors the trouble and misery I had to go through- it just made me a more open to diversity and experienced person. I can help those in need now... Just improving bit by bit. Recently, I've gone back on track with everything almost. I haven't given up school, piano and life yet. But still I need others to help. I barely got any- and the way how things are going even now, the severity of the bullying, home life and natural phenomenon; I'm probably going to end up starving myself or freezing myself to death. If only others can understand this concept, is the only way they can really help (which I hope they would soon. And sooner they can, it'll make a big difference to one's life and to this world. Because I bet there are some going through the same things as me? They'll need help desperately- kinda like how I am. Forget poverty, I got nothing too- due to my cheap and selfish parents. I hate life and it's about to go on the very edge of slipping. I just slipped in a coma recently from attempting to kill myself again. Also yeah everything is still hell here. But not giving up ALL hope yet. Not yet. These could be my last words. I do feel it's a bit too late. I hate everything- the fact that barely anyone understands and the fact no one is really helping much to make this a happy life. Also, I hope after telling you my story, maybe you can understand more. And possibly help others.

"It hurts when ALL THE TIME every second since birth

It hurts so much I want to die to end the continuous pain that worsens every time it hits.

...and EVERYTHING hurts."

**FOUR MONTHS LATER (April 2014)...**

I thought about things over and over again; ways to make it better, some plans in mind, and maybe do some trial and error with them.

Instead of thinking about doing stupid things, such as; suicide or torturing myself. No I thought of a smarter plan (which was also suggested by many) why not just go out there and try to gather all the supports I can get; then start being a bit more confident and positive. So this is what I did: I decided to go and just let the secret out. And say that I'm proud of being me. "I'm Eric and proud of it. I'm a gay bi Trans and proud of it. I am who I am; and I am fabulous." Then you see those dumbass bullies' faces and you know you did your job: I finally learnt to be the bigger person and to love life. And now life is good.

Oh and by the way, if you are wondering, how the hell am I bi gay and Trans all at the same time? Okay, firstly-you know I am a trans. So I'm considered as a guy. Also the fact I have liked guys and some girls so that makes me a bi. Also I'm a gay due to being more into guys then girls (have more intimate/romantic feelings towards the guys I was attracted to). So there you go, that's why I'm a bi gay Trans.

Anyways, this is my life so far at April 2014. I have awaken from this nightmare. And now hoping it'll never visit it again ever. Living a nightmare and dreaming a nightmare. Also the fact I had no one to trust.

…The recipe for life disaster and death. I don't want to die... and hope to never seek suicide ever again.

**And this life story continues…**

**EXTRAS/OTHER STUFF:**

**Just a poem about...my (horrid) life.**

_(Written on Christmas break 2013)_

*I may mis-word some phrases,

Because I'm not so good at explaining.

But topic's hard to explain anyways.

Also it kills to recall everything

Vivid scenes when I tell it.

Have nightmares that make me cry in sleep.

So harsh those times were…

Yet too long,

15 years, have kept in silence.

Time to talk or let it out (about time)

Anyways, can't take it anymore.

I'll blow if things still like as it is.

So here, I'll just say this much.

Sorry to ruin your feelings.

The poor and in poverty are sad.

because they are unfortunate and poor

I am unfortunate,

But neither; poverty or just poor.

Why am I so sad then?

the poor and the poverty are:

loved, aren't alone, understood

Can get help and have got help-by lots.

Also aren't told to shut up by everyone.

You don't know anything- about my life.

You are just as expected...

If you saw that as me.

Because everyone did. Pretty much.

sorry I don't trust no one that much anymore-

I say some things to some-

So they can understand what's going on.

But after a piece, they can't take it.

Others- made rumors and bullied me for it. Great.

after 15 years of nonstop giving chances-

They broke them all- the last umpteenth chance.

What changed? Nothing.

Why stop the chances?

Because I don't trust them and nothing changes ever.

Well. Even now.- nothings really changed.

when people are either not helping me

Or just DOING the hurting.

or just can't help (which is sad)

nobody understands me :'(

they aren't abused or all that.

just poor-(honestly, i'm not sure.)

...though, I am almost like the opposite.

I would trade lives with anyone

and be much better off

be happier than now.

even trade with them poverty and poors.

(to show them, money isn't everything.)

you don't believe it

you don't get it-

don't worry, no one does.

you think I'm all good... or bad

damn the mask you see on me

however it may look like:

...get pushed onto the edge of this cliff (figure of speech)

still no help

-I slip further,

till one finger left clinging

everyone leaves me hanging or just laughs

once I fall I die

I've reached the point of taking suicidal attempts.

fails cuz I hate pain.

dying is so painful. (who'd knew?)

15 years of nonstop misery

threats, all kinds of bullying, putdowns, work overload, all abuses, alienation, labelled.-

-everything

at home, school, online;

-everywhere

depression, anxiety, overstress, miserable thoughts;

all that stuff.

hate it.

but still there.

still coming.

still happening.

(still seems so fortunate do I?)

I will blow soon.

if I don't talk.

but I was told not to say anything-

ok. the details of this damn life story.

awesome pianist, smart, fortunate, even happy?

or some mental, diva-ego'd, lazy, show off.

or a troublemaker that's a waste of time

or some ugly, joker-faced, selfish jerk

then put on a bunch of labels on me-

ha! well you know nothing.

in fact, you don't even care.

you don't know, you never really asked.

even if you did, I won't tell you anything anyways

or just say lies-

cuz either you're not ready

or not the right one to tell.

the reasons- can't say either.

it kills me internally.

everything.

I will say goodbye

...when the time comes.

life is tough- too tough.

sometimes so much, it's too much.

even if I will never tell you my horrid life story,

doesn't matter. It'll just make you sad;

but understand this reality.

nothing is as it seems.

u just need to know one thing.

I'm not as it seems.

and I want you to understand.

and maybe, just maybe…

help me.

…if you can, that is.

who cares about money, wealth, power and those things-

(unless you really are poor)

love, care and happiness is what really matters.

It's what gets people out of depression.

sadly no one cares about that.

Which is what everyone including me, has to change.

the world hasn't changed, hopefully I will.

Though, I dunno what to...

The time will come.

hopefully it'll be a fork-

a path to a better life (it'll be a miracle),

or a path to which my worst fear happens.

I don't want to say goodbye.

But life pushing me out that door.

And making me have to leave it.

Since now you've read this:

Now you've heard.

Don't leave me here.

I'm not ready to go.

Help.


End file.
